A Más Kapital Endorsement

Mandate The 3-Day Weekend!

So what's bugging the American consumer?

Despite record-low interest rates and tame inflation, Americans still haven't spent enough to fully extract this economy from the recent recession. It's a problem confounding economists everywhere. (Economists confounded? Gee, what a surprise...)

After extensive research conducted during Final Four commercial breaks, Más Kapital uncovered the secret: American workers are too exhausted to consume.

Your average Joe's weekend now consists of running household errands, venting Saturday night, and marinating Sunday with a six-pack by the tube.  When Americans do spend, much of it goes to Wal-Mart, which is great for the Chinese economy. (Ignore the Arkansas headquarters; read the product labels to see who really scores.)

This country needs Americans consuming more of what America makes best: movies and junk food. Hence, Más Kapital endorses 4-day, 40-hour weeks for all Americans. We'll work the same number of hours, but with 3-day weekends, Americans will have more time and energy to dine out, shop, take trips, and indulge in all of this country's many amusements. Three words for you: Vegas, Vegas, Vegas!

Ridiculous, you say? Completely irrational? Deserving of a nice, hot spanking with lots of leather and oil and, uh, where were we?  Oh yes, consider these arguments:

1. Many Americans already work 4-day, 40-hour weeks.

 

2. Longer weekends = more rest = less need for therapy.

 

3. "Weekends" would be staggered so that worker respites do not all fall at the same time. This already happens in most retail establishments. Just ask Wal-Mart—oh, wait, their workers don't get time off.

 

4. Staggered weekends would enable more companies to offer services seven days per week, increasing national productivity.

 

5. The shorter work week is more efficient, with less commuting and traffic.

 

6. Americans already receive far less time off than Europeans, and that's why them foreigners can speak all them languages.

 

Más Kapital exclusive illustration by Ian Petrella

 

7. Americans say they want more time with their families. And the more time they spend with their families, the more bored they'll get, which will mean even more growth for our entertainment industry.

It will be a turbocharged boon to America's travel and leisure industries, which are pretty much the only industries we have left. So 3-day weekends are not only logical, they're patriotic. And you really can't say that about too much these days... [$]