A Stroll Through The Crime Pages

Where were you Saturday, February 19, 2005?  You don't remember?  How could you forget—it was a day that will live in infamy.  Nearly as bad as the bombing of Pearl Harbor.  Or the sinking of the Titanic.  Or the crowning of "Titanic" as best picture.  Let's recap for those of you who forgot—or who are pretending to forget.  Pull up a barstool...

It was a night like burnt coffee: dark and bitter, but packing just enough kick to keep me going.  I was at my desk at Más Kapital, thumbing through my tower of term bills and wondering who the hell Sallie Mae was and why I owed her the rest of my life.  And that's when she strode in—no, not Sallie.  Nobody who looked like this could be a Sallie.  This was a definite hard-T-name—Tara, Talia, Tanya.  A name that seared the tip of your tongue and had you begging for mercy and more at the same time.

"It's the Times," she said as she stood before me on legs that deserved to be national monuments.  She threw down a copy of the day's paper.  "Read 'em and weep!"  She then spun on spiked heels that qualified as lethal weapons in 28 states, and left me in an emotional stew of bewilderment laced with unrequited lust.  I looked down at the paper: the business pages from the L.A. Times.  I read the headlines.  I wept like a baby.

Here, to clue you in, is every single headline and subhead from the first two business pages of the L.A. Times, 2/19/2005, unexpurgated and uncensored.  Warning: they may not be suitable for all audiences...

Page 1:

Ex-Executive For Boeing Is Sentenced

"Michael M. Sears gets four months in prison and is fined $250,000 for offering a job to an Air Force official who negotiated contracts."

 

Awkward Start For The New WellPoint

"The buyer of Blue Cross of California draws fire over dealings with a Southland hospital."

 

Exec Life Trial Begins For Last Defendant

"The state says a French firm concealed an illegal purchase of assets.  Deal was clear, defense says."

 

Blockbuster Sued Over Late-Fee Claims

 

Q&A: For SBC Chief, AT&T Deal Is Essential In New Telecom Era

"'There's got to be less regulation,' Edward Whitacre Jr., SBC Chairman"

Page 2:

Jury Clears Man Of Piracy Charges

"The former Fox worker's case is the first of its kind taken to trial in California."

 

PG&E's Net Income Soars In 4th Quarter

"Profit increases to $871 million, aided by a one-time gain related to a former unit."

 

Super Industries' Profit Falls

 

FDA Orders Amgen To Pull TV Ad For Psoriasis Drug

"The agency says the commercial trivializes the health risks associated with Enbrel."

 

Battery-Draining Cellphone Virus Arrives in United States

 

Regulator Intercedes After Move By Blue Cross

(continuation of story from page 1)

 

Dilbert: Dogbert Works For The Cable Company

This wasn't business—this was the crime beat, with only a couple of exceptions.  And even one of the exceptions, the Q&A, generated a half-strangled chuckle from my throat: amidst all this iniquity and perfidy, some rich sap is actually calling for "less regulation"!  What the hell are they teaching in those business schools?

I threw on my overcoat and holstered my PDA.  Someone had to find out, even if it indebted me for the rest of my life—right, Sallie?... [$]

return home